What Girls Want When They Talk to You
I consider myself a generally smart and savvy guy. I’m good at listening, and I give good advice. So you can imagine how frustrated and surprised I would become in college when my female friends would tell me to shut up and just listen to them. Why were they telling me their problems if they didn’t want advice? Even worse, sometimes my girlfriends would seem to be speaking Orwellian Doublespeak. They’d say one thing, and mean another, or ask me questions I couldn’t possibly answer correctly. What was going on? What was I missing? Luckily, I’ve figured out a few things since college, so here’s the low-down on what girls generally mean when they want to talk.
Back in college I had a great friend called Mara. Great in that she was very patient with me. She was telling me some drama she was going through, and I butted in with what I thought was some excellent advice that would solve it. She stared at me, and kindly told me to shut up. She then informed me, speaking slowly as if to a child, that she didn’t want my advice. She didn’t want to know what to do. All she wanted to do was vent. I was a listening wall, supposed to just nod and make noises of commiseration, and she said she’d specifically ask me for advice if she wanted it, otherwise I should just stay quiet. And I realized that was true for most women. One thing they hate is how us guys always want to tell them what to do, cutting them off mid-delivery, giving them simple, effective advice. Wrong! What they want is sympathy and understanding and compassion, not practical advice. So unless your friend specifically asks you what you think she should do? Just listen, pay attention, and be quiet.
Guys are literal. If you ask a dude how he’s doing, and he says, “I’m fine,” then, yes, he’s fine. If you ask a woman how she’s doing, and she says, “I’m fine,” then watch out. Women speak in emotional subtexts. Don’t just listen to the words she says, but rather, focus on the tone. If she says “I’m fine,” with a bright, sunny smile? Then she’s fine. If she says, “I’m fine,” in a clipped, cold way, staring out the window? Big trouble. Listen to the tone. If she sounds sad, then no matter what she says, she is sad. If she tells you she hates you with a grin on her face? Then she means you drive her crazy in a great way.
Which leads us to the trick questions. Girls will often test us men by asking us questions and hoping we understand they mean something else. Basically, they again want you to focus on what really matters, what’s not being said, and not just think about the question literally. If she asks whether you would rather stay home tonight and watch TV then go out to the dinner date you had planned because you’re tired? She’s probably looking for you to rise to the occasion and take her out, and will be upset if you choose to stay home, even though she made it sound like that was fine. Often, “We don’t have to…” means “Show me you want to…” Listen to her tone, look at her expression. Almost, almost, ignore the words.
These kind of questions can range from the infamous, “Does this sweater make my ass look big?” to the much more deadly, “Do you think we should take some time apart?” after a fight. Remember. Don’t listen to the words. Don’t be literal. Look at her face, read her expression, listen to her tone. The questions and meaning are never explicit, but implicit. Deduce what she really means from the visual and audible clues. Read what she wants, and answer that need. Which means you have to really learn to listen, to go beyond the words, and focus on what’s important, what she cares about–and what you should care about.
It comes down to a difference between us, literal and straight forward guys, and them, emotional and complex women. This does not mean all women are like this, or even like this all the time; but when it comes to emotional needs, when it comes to relationships, often women will try to get a sense of where you are before putting their own opinions forward. And the way they do this is by drawing you out with questions and statements or even fights that to us feel like tests. But in reality, what they’re doing, is simply figuring us out. And to avoid bungling it all up? We just have to listen really carefully, and figure out what it is they’re figuring out. See? Simple.
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Categories: Relationships
Tags: advice, conversation, Dating, fights, flirting, girls, Love, mean, Relationships, sex, understanding, Women
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