Halloween. Every year it’s a challenge to be creative and accommodating to my I’m-not-wearing-that sweetie at the same time.
I love creative costumes. My ex was cooperative. He once allowed me to dress him as a topless dancer. The boobs I made for him out of balloons, cut up pantyhose, and baby bottle nipples would have been more convincing had I been able to get them the same size. Regardless, the costume was a big hit and I suspect-based on how well he carried it off-that my ex rather enjoyed the wig and the fishnets.
Dale, my adored husband, on the other hand, is not so cooperative. Not in a million-make that a trillion-years would he wear the topless dancer costume. If Dale had his way, we’d nix the costume thing entirely. He’s rejected some great ideas. For example, I once suggested we dress as the bottom-line and the headline. One of us would wear a big butt (think of the Fruit of the Loom guys) and the other would wear a big head (think of Mr. Potato Head). Each would have a big black line diagonally crossing it. Cute and, if I say so myself, downright clever. Alas, my creativity has gone unrealized. Deep sigh.
The Halloween-costume-thing isn’t the only difference between us. I adore board games. Dale is bored by them. He loves fun in the sun. Breaking a sweat makes me cranky. He’s a classical musician and won’t watch American Idol with me. I read legal thrillers; he reads nonfiction about things like the history of cod fishing (really) and from that you can only guess how “similar” our taste in TV is. Although our differences are sometimes a source of frustration, there’s a really cool thing about having differences and it’s this:
While I’m never going to read a book about cod fishing, I enjoy the more interesting tidbits Dale shares with me. He’s not going to read the latest legal thriller, but he enjoys it when I read a particularly good bit of prose to him or share an interesting plot twist. I’ve heard music I might never have otherwise known about. I tell Dale enough about what’s happening on American Idol for him to be up-to-date and conversant with coworkers. In other words, each of us shares the highlights of our interests with the other. That gives us something to talk about and makes us more interesting, not only to each other, but to the rest of the world. It helps broaden our horizons. For example, I love opera because Dale introduced me to it and can tell me the story behind every one of them. And that’s just the beginning of how, by sharing our differences, we’ve made our lives fuller.
Our differences also allow some separateness. Dale shares fun in the sun with his friends when they go hiking or cycling, giving me the opportunity to drag out my craft supplies and make scrapbook pages for my granddaughters. When Dale comes home, he tells me all about his day and I display my handiwork for him to praise.
Differences make you interesting and open doors for you to broaden your own interests, point of view, and horizons. Differences. Embrace them.
Speaking of differences, that gives me an idea for this year’s costumes. I’ll go as a neat freak and he can be an explosion. Hmmm . . . do you think he’ll go for it?
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.
Years ago, there was a TV commercial for Lipton soup. A child ran into the kitchen and asked his mom, who was standing over a steaming pot, “Is it soup yet?” That phrase became a shorthand way of asking if something is done. Few us as are the same person at 40 as we are at 20-it takes time to become soup-which is why the younger the age at marriage, the more likely a divorce. As you and your partner simmer, on your way to becoming soup, the changes that inevitably occur can cause stress to your marriage or other committed relationship until one day you may find yourself saying, “You’re not the person I married.”
Relationships, like the people who form them, are dynamic. People change as life, time and experience affects them. It’s possible to outgrow your partner or for each of you to grow in such different directions that your relationship no longer makes sense. On the other hand, your relationship can survive-even thrive-if you share in three ways.
Share experiences. Even a seemingly insignificant experience can profoundly affect you. Example: Sharon, who had just turned 30, was taking a run and passed her neighbor, an old widower, who was sitting on his porch lovingly stroking his cat. Sharon thought how wonderful it was that the old man had the cat to keep him company. As the only child of career parents, she knew loneliness and, having just experienced a “decade” birthday, vowed to manage her life to avoid a reprise of her childhood loneliness in old age. Sharon told her husband Tim about seeing the old man and his cat. Tim then shared a story about his grandmother, who died before Sharon met Tim, and who loved her Cocker Spaniel more than life itself. Tim also shared, for the first time, what a positive influence his grandmother had been on him. This led Sharon to suggest that she and Tim get involved with a pets-for-seniors program. He agreed and that’s what they did. Sharon could have filed the experience in her psyche where it would quietly (and even subconsciously) influence the decisions she made in life. But by sharing it, she is not only more conscious of how the fear of old age loneliness affects her, but she and Tim discovered a way to together create a richer life.
Share your dreams. Verbalizing a dream helps make it reality and no one is in a better position to support you than your life partner. Example: Matt, an MBA, was on an upwardly mobile track at a consulting firm. Linda was an associate attorney at a national firm. They planned an affluent life in which both reached the top of the corporate ladder. Tucked away, beneath all Matt’s ambition, was his boyhood dream of being a forest ranger but that’s not what Matt’s parents envisioned for him. To be a “good son,” Matt did what was expected, adopting his parents’ dream as his own. As Matt became increasingly unhappy in a life that didn’t truly fit him, his relationship with Linda suffered. During a counseling session, the therapist asked Matt how the reality of his life differed from what he had envisioned. Matt thought he was joking when he said, “As a kid I wanted to be a forest ranger.” But when the words were said, the reality hit him. As Matt became soup, he changed from who Linda (and he himself) thought he was-a man who wanted to climb the corporate ladder-to a man who wanted an outdoor life. With his dream now in the open, Linda and Matt could reshape their goals so Matt could use his MBA knowledge to create a business giving hiking and whitewater rafting tours.
Share your feelings. Doing so helps you crystallize your own thoughts and allows you to learn from each other. Example: Ben and Sarah, expecting their first child, had friends who had just adopted a baby boy. It was an open adoption where the birth mother was permitted contact with the adoptive family and the baby. Ben said to Sarah, “I don’t think the birth mother should be allowed to see the baby. After all, she gave it up for adoption.” Sarah, who had never thought about it before, did so then. After a few moments of reflection, she replied, “Ben, the mother gave up the right to raise the baby, but not the right to love the baby.” Ben thought for a moment and said, “You’re right. I hadn’t thought of it that way.” A conversation about what it means to be a parent ensued. They discovered they had differing points of view on spanking and several fundamental issues, and agreed to do some research, get some counseling, and resolve their difference before the baby was born. Each became a better parent as a result.
It all boils down to this: talk to each other. If you don’t communicate and share as you each become soup, you’re much more likely to grow apart than to grow closer. You will change. Your relationship will change as a result. It’s inevitable. By openly sharing your experiences, your dreams, and your feelings you greatly improve the odds of your relationship not only surviving but thriving.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.
Would you marry you? If you were/are single, are you the kind of person you’d be looking for and want to hook up with?
Sure, we all want a partner who is our version of the Perfect 10. But truth be told, we cross our fingers that said Perfect 10 will settle for a Strong 7 and overlook a few of our less than perfect traits. When you’re dating and doing your best to impress the object of your affection, you’ve got a couple of things working for you: (1) your sweetheart is blinded by falling-in-love hormones, and (2) you’re on your best behavior. You’ll never seem more like a Perfect 10 than in those too-short falling-in-love days.
Unfortunately, being on best behavior is like holding in your stomach-you can’t do it forever. The more comfortable you are in the relationship, the more likely you are to slide from a Perfect 10 to an Almost Perfect 9 to a Slightly Flawed 8 until you become the “real you.” It isn’t always pretty. Worse, at just about the same time you’ve become the “real you,” those falling-in-love hormones ease up so your sweetheart can see you (and all your flaws) more realistically.
Step outside yourself for a moment and then turn a critical eye in your direction.
Start with the outside. Do you take pride in your appearance? Are you carrying a few extra pounds? Are you in ratty old clothes more often than not? If your personal grooming and pride in your appearance have slacked off, there’s a good chance your partner’s assessment of your “perfection” has gone backwards a notch or two. Your sweetie may not have said a word but-and you can bank on this-your sweetheart has noticed.
Now, take a look at the inside. Do you like what you see and are you proud of you? Or, do you secretly agree with Woody Allen that you wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have you as a member?
Low self-esteem is a major cause of relationship failure. A person with low self-esteem has difficulty seeing issues clearly, often hears criticism where there is none, suffers from jealousy, is afraid to communicate openly and honestly, feels at fault for problems that arise in the relationship, and may be needy and dependent. People with low self-esteem often compensate by being overly critical of others, defensive, and self-protective. If you see yourself anywhere in that description, it’s time (perhaps past time) to do some work on you. The closer you are to the kind of person you’d want to marry, the better partner you’ll be. The better partner you are, the better relationship you’ll have.
Do you treat your sweetheart as you want to be treated? Yep, it’s that Golden Rule thing. If you want your sweetie to greet you with a smile, if you want your partner to respect your feelings, privacy, and opinions, if you want your honey to be respectful, and so on and so on, then you know what to do.
Are you as interesting as you’d like your partner to be? As charitable? As understanding, kind, and thoughtful? Does thinking about your answer to the mirror-mirror-on-the-wall question-would you marry you-make you squirm a bit?
If you have been able to identify any reason why you wouldn’t marry you, you now know what you need to work on to be a better partner.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.
The laws and regulations that govern our life are staggeringly complex. No one, not even an attorney, can know them all. But, like it or not, your marriage is subject to a myriad of rules and restrictions imposed upon it by the jurisdiction(s) in which you live, beginning with whether you “qualify” to be legally married and culminating with what happens to your property when you die. That’s the bad news. The good news is that, for the most part, you’re able to write your own rules to fit your unique situation IF you do it right.
Every business partnership worth its salt has an operating agreement that dictates the partners’ rights and obligations and what happens if a partner leaves or the partnership is dissolved. It’s a good idea to plan for such contingencies when everyone is getting along. The same applies to your remarriage. The last thing you want is for you, your spouse, and/or your heirs to be stuck in a quagmire of legal wrangling where those who benefit most are the lawyers. The time to hammer out thorny legal, financial, and estate issues is when you’re clear-headed and can think both generously and realistically.
A marriage operating agreement is called a prenuptial agreement if you enter into it before you get married, a postnuptial agreement if you enter into it after you get married. I’ll use the term “prenup” to apply to both. To some, “prenup” is the equivalent of a four-letter word and to have one is the equivalent of admitting that the marriage won’t last. Well, guess what?
1. Your marriage won’t last. It will end, if not by divorce, then by death.
2. You already have a prenuptial agreement-the divorce laws provided to you courtesy of the state in which you live.
You can accept the default one-size-fits-all prenup the government provides, or you can craft one that is appropriate to your circumstances. If you accept that your marriage will one day end and that you already have a prenuptial agreement, then it’s a heckuva lot easier to roll up your sleeves, make decisions, and modify the state’s prenup to fit your circumstances.
Prenups accomplish more than defining what happens if you get a divorce. They are also super-duper handy when you want to:
o Define property rights for purposes of estate planning so you can protect your children’s inheritance.
o Protect your assets from your partner’s creditors.
o Protect business partners and ensure the continuity of your business.
o Clarify how you meet financial obligations from a previous marriage such as child support and alimony.
o Compensate a spouse who is giving up a career to stay at home.
o And more.
Grown-ups take responsibility for handling their financial and legal matters and don’t leave such important decisions up to the government. To make intelligent decisions you need to know and fully understand the impact of relevant laws on you, your finances, and your children (if any). Every state has different laws on marriage and inheritance. Investing in the help of a competent professional is worth every penny. Only a competent professional can give you that help. Having said that . . .
By all means, do your research on the internet (but don’t assume it’s 100% accurate) as a way of identifying those things you need to think about and discuss. BUT, don’t do your own legal work. A generic fill-in-the-blank one-size-fits-all prenup can’t possibly fit your situation and you end up doing more harm than good. You wouldn’t fill your own tooth or set your own broken arm. Don’t do your own legal work.
A marriage is a partnership and all partnerships run best when everyone agrees upon and knows the rules.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.
Remember when you and your sweetheart first met? You counted the minutes until you saw him again. You called just to hear her sweet voice. The air was alive with the snap, crackle & pop of sexual energy. You couldn’t get enough of each other and you were always on your best behavior. It was easy to be playful.
Then, you settled into a routine and began to share everyday life. Being on best behavior is like holding in your stomach. You can’t do it forever. Eventually, the real you, foibles and all, made an appearance. It wasn’t and isn’t always pretty. Playfulness takes a back seat when he has to duck and take cover during your PMS tirade…or she has to put up with your road rage…or she promises but forgets to pick up your good suit from the cleaners and you have the most important meeting of your life the next morning…or he helps himself to a piece of the cake you made for a coworker’s birthday party…or when any one of the bazillion annoying things that can happen does.
What’s more, the mind-numbing fatigue that comes with everyday life has a way of squelching playfulness. When you were jacked up on new love hormones, you could shrug off the week from hell, strap on your dancing shoes, and let the good times roll. Now, when what used to be date night arrives, you too often find yourselves on the couch in your sweats, sharing delivery pizza and watching a Netflix DVD. Instead of lounging in bed after Saturday morning sex, you get a head start on weekend errands. It’s easy to slip into the rut you said you’d never fall into.
When playfulness disappears it leaves room for negative emotions such as crankiness, irritability and ill humor. That sucks. Playfulness inspires laughter. Laughter reduces stress and triggers feel-good hormones like endorphins. That does not suck. So, here are three ways to bring playfulness back and keep it alive:
Think like a child: Children find joy in play, often in the simplest things: a squirt gun, a Frisbee, a yo-yo, blowing bubbles, sidewalk chalk, a game of Twister, pillow fights, hide ‘n seek, a wading pool. Take a hint! It’s okay to act like children, even be silly, especially when to do so results is a good laugh or a fit of giggles. The cool thing about being playful adults (as opposed to playful children) is that it’s also okay if play takes you straight to the bedroom or, when you pull the cards out, you play strip poker instead of Go Fish.
Put fun on your schedule: Pick an activity (or two…or three) that will be fun for both of you and put it on your calendar as a regular, recurring event. Sign up for dance or cooking lessons, or join a bowling league or a co-ed softball team. It doesn’t matter so long as you both find it fun. Surprise your sweetie by scheduling a one-night stand and discover (or rediscover) the joys of hotel sex. Have a black-tie dinner for two and wear nothing but black ties. Use your imagination.
Flirt shamelessly with each other. Flirting is fun, sensual and titillating. Whisper in each other’s ear. Wink across a crowded room. Send suggestive text messages. Tuck her hair behind her ear. Adjust his tie. Dance provocatively. Whatever it was that worked in your dating days, just do it again. And, since you’ve past those early relationship days, you’re free to take it to a new level of sensuality and titillation! Toss caution to the wind and just go for it.
Playfulness. We can all use more of that.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.
Gift giving can be treacherous ground but you’ll have far greater success if, before you whip out your credit card, you ask yourself these questions:
Does your sweetheart prefer things or experiences? I could surprise my sweetheart with a Porsche and he’d say, “Why? I already have a car.” Never mind that his car is old and boring-it runs and that’s enough for him. He would, however, be ecstatic with tickets for an African safari. My guy isn’t about stuff. But he’ll jump at the chance to take in the opera, sky dive, white water raft, see a mountain for the first time, experience a new restaurant, climb a glacier, or float in a hot air balloon. Some people prefer things they can touch and see long after the gift was received; others prefer memories.
Is your sweetheart sentimental (and romantic) or practical (and not so romantic)? I have a girlfriend who thinks flowers are a waste of money and is tickled pink with a new toaster oven. My uncle thinks the latest and greatest screwdriver is the coolest gift ever. Others would be crushed to receive a toaster oven or a screwdriver no matter how needed or state-of-the art it may be.
What are your sweetheart’s special interests? My friend Larry loves everything trains. I love photography. My sweetheart is a classical musician and history buff. My daughter is a volleyball fanatic. I have a friend who has knitting needles in her hands 90% of her waking hours; her husband is into extreme sports. Just about everybody has something they’re especially interested in or enjoy doing.
What’s the occasion? Is it an “us” occasion such as an anniversary? Just because? A red letter day for your sweetheart? Regardless, every gift should be relevant and proportionate to the occasion (but always within your budget). Here are some examples:
o It’s your girlfriend’s birthday. She prefers experiences. She’s sentimental. Plan an experience that will have sentimental value that, if possible, incorporates her interests: a trip to her hometown to see family she’s missing and have a family portrait made…tickets to the opera, and a corsage she can press and save…dinner with friends where she can show off the birthstone ring you slip on her finger as you’re walking out the door. If it’s a decade birthday, step it up and go the extra mile to make it an event that she will remember and cherish forever.
o Your husband hit a career milestone. He prefers things, is practical, and enjoys modern art. Memorialize the event in a tangible way: have a congratulatory ad published in the local newspaper and have it framed…select a piece of art for his office and attach a congratulatory note on the back…buy him a new suit and take him to the newest exhibit at the local art museum. If it’s a really BIG milestone, make it the Musee d’Orsay in Paris!
o It’s the anniversary of your wedding, first date, or other special day. The best “us” gift is something you will both enjoy doing and/or having. If you have different preferences, you’ll need to be a little more creative. For example, you might select a martini shaker, glasses and a book of martini recipes. There’s something tangible for the “thing” person and for the “experience” person there’s the fun of working your way from Apple Martini to Wasabi Martini or, perhaps, a martini party with good friends. Again, if this is a significant anniversary, step it up and make it truly memorable.
o You feel like doing something special for your sweetie. By now you’ve got the drill down. All I’ll say about “just because” gifts is that small is often the best, just a simple reminder that you’re thinking about the one you love.
Bottom line: the perfect gift shows you gave it more than passing thought because it reflects who and what your sweetie is all about.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.
You’ve been told it’s death to your relationship but I’m going to give you three reasons why, when done right, keeping score is good for your relationship.
1. It’s a human nature “lemon” so you might as well make lemonade. Mother Teresa and Gandhi aside, we all keep score. It’s human nature to notice if your sweetheart has AGAIN “forgotten” to call, left dirty dishes in the sink, embarrassed you, hurt your feelings, broken a promise, “won” the argument, or bestowed bragging rights with a fabulous gift or an out-of-the-ballpark home run of thoughtfulness. You know if your sweetheart’s score is over the moon, well into the black, good enough to squeak by, dipping into the red, or subterranean. That’s because we assess everything from whether to get a pet to quitting our job by calculating the pluses and minuses.
In a relationship, you’re constantly giving and deducting points (what I call Frequent Foreplay Miles). Your sweetie brings you coffee in bed, plus 5. Morning coffee follows a night of wild sex, 30-point bonus. You have a crazy day of meetings and your partner delivers lunch to your office, 20 points. Lunch includes cheesecake, 10-point bonus. Your partner borrows your car and returns it with an empty tank, minus 20. Your honey leaves a wet towel on the bed, minus 5. It’s your side of the bed, 15-point penalty. It’s the third time this week, 50-point penalty.
True, we don’t give or deduct actual points, but we give greater emotional weight to those things that most affect us. If that weren’t true, a surprise Porsche in the driveway would have the same Omigosh! factor as a new toaster oven and infidelity would land you in the same hot water as forgetting to pay the cable bill. It’s a fact: We keep score.
2. Keeping score keeps you on your best behavior. We all love to win and hate to lose. We all want to please and don’t want to disappoint. So, it follows that if you’ve got a choice between picking up or losing points, you’re more likely to bite your tongue than make some snarky remark, pick up your stinky gym socks, keep your promise to bring home mint chocolate chip ice cream, be on time, call when you’re out of town, refrain from swearing in front of your mother-in-law, surprise your sweetie with a gift, make thoughtful gestures, be kind, and so on and so on. Consciously doing those things that result in getting points and avoiding doing those things that result in lost points is bound to make your relationship better.
3. Keeping score reminds you to focus on the positive. It’s fun to give to someone you love, even if all you’re giving is points. You already give points when your sweetie goes the extra mile or does something unexpectedly wonderful. If both of you also give points for the small, everyday things that are easily taken for granted or overlooked-the dinner she prepared, the lawn he mowed, the gym socks that made it to the hamper, the dishes that got washed, the cheerful smile, the promise that was kept-you’ll find yourselves more focused on the positive. The more positive you are, the less bothered you’ll be when your sweetie screws up and that’s just good for your relationship.
Okay, look, you’re going to keep score anyway so do it in a way that’s good for your relationship. Having said that, let me emphasize that tit-for-tat two-wrongs-make-a-right justification of your bad behavior is the wrong way. Tit-for-tat is childish and destructive. It’s the kind of scorekeeping that all relationship gurus (including me) warn against. Instead, make it your goal to (1) earn as many points as possible, (2) avoid losing them, and (3) support your sweetheart in doing the same. If you do, then keeping score will be good for your relationship.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.
Do an Amazon search on “self-improvement” or “self-help” and you’ll get a long list of books to choose from (including my book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy). There are books on how to have better communication, better sex, more intimacy, fair fights, more fun, less conflict, a more fulfilling life, more self-confidence, more self-esteem, and so on and so on.
What you won’t find is a book based on the premise that you’re perfect but your sweetheart needs a complete overhaul and would be a better partner if he or she were your clone. Yet, that’s the approach we so often take. We not only think we’re right, we think our opinion rises to the level of a universal truth and are completely baffled when our sweetheart doesn’t get it. So, we make it our mission to put in the fix. Let me give you an example from my own relationship.
I am a nutcake about timeliness. I am never late and it chaps my hide when someone keeps me waiting. My sweetheart Dale is relaxed about time. So relaxed that in our early days, he was late often enough that my internal dialog went like this: “He is always late, which is rude. He has no respect for me or my time. He thinks his time is more valuable. That is arrogant and self-centered. Yada yada yada . . .” until I was royally irritated. I was determined to “fix” the problem, i.e., get him to see that I was right and he was wrong. I explained patiently and rationally why he should change…it didn’t work. I nagged…it didn’t work. I demanded…it didn’t work. I pouted…it didn’t work.
Then one day it hit me: It was arrogant and self-centered of me to expect him to become my clone on this issue. Dale isn’t arrogant or self-centered. He’s an in-the-moment kind of guy-something I admire about him and wouldn’t want to change even though it means he sometimes forgets to watch the clock. Dale’s standards are different from mine. If someone keeps him waiting he doesn’t get his shorts in a knot. He entertains himself until the doorbell rings. If it’s important to catch a plane, he’s there. When there’s room for slide, he relaxes. Who am I to say he’s wrong?
I stopped demanding that Dale change based upon The Gospel According to Shela. I no longer demand perfection. I let Dale know when it’s truly important for him to be on time. And, he is. Other times, I shrug off his being late as the no big deal that it is. He wins. I win. We’re both much happier.
It’s so true! The quickest way to change someone’s behavior is to change your own. It wasn’t until I made an attitude U-turn that Dale stopped resisting my efforts to “fix” him and happily changed his behavior to be more clock-aware when it was truly important.
If you are hell bent on improving something, then buy a few of those self-improvement books and get to work on making you a better you. The more you know yourself, the more you value yourself, and the better person you are, the better partner you will be. By changing your behavior and becoming a better person, you support your partner in doing the same.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.
In 1975 Paul Simon released his hit song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” I recently looked up the lyrics and discovered something I’d failed to notice in 1975 when I was hummin’ along. The song is about a woman giving a man advice on how to extricate himself from his current relationship. The song ends with said woman kissing him and suggesting that they sleep on it, a suggestion which leads him to conclude that she’s probably right-there must be 50 ways to leave your lover. Hmmmm . . . sounds like that woman had her own agenda!
If your relationship hits a rough patch, it’s tempting to focus on the 50 things your partner does “wrong” and the 50 “reasons” why things are falling apart. If we apply Newton’s law of physics-a thing in motion tends to stay in motion in the same direction unless acted upon-it’s easy to see that such negative thinking will lead to pondering which of the 50 ways to leave your lover is the way to go.
In today’s crazy busy world in which electronic devices control our lives, it’s easy to sit in front of the TV, each with a laptop or iPhone, and be completely not together while in the same room. We have careers, charity work, kids to ferry about, pets to walk, gyms to visit, parties to plan, aging parents to care for. We have so many demands on our lives and our time that it’s easy to let our relationship take a back seat until, one day, we find ourselves humming Paul Simon’s song.
I got to thinking . . . if there are 50 ways to leave your lover, there must be at least 50 ways to love your lover. If you did just one every day, your relationship couldn’t help but be more emotionally intimate. Your relationship, like all dynamic things that requires care and feeding, would flourish. So, here’s my suggestion-regardless of whether your relationship is cruising or has hit a speed bump, make a list of 50 ways to love your sweetheart and then do one (or more) every day. Even better, make your lists together and give your sweetheart ideas on how to love you. Here are some ideas to get you started:
o Turn off the TV and play gin rummy.
o Call your sweetheart at work just to say, “I’m thinking about you.”
o Slip into your sweetheart’s shower.
o Give a back rub.
o Send your honey a flirty text message.
o Surprise your sweetheart with his or her favorite dessert.
o Give a hug for no reason at all.
o Tell your sweetheart how happy you are to have him or her in your life.
o Hold hands as you fall asleep.
o Give a compliment.
o Surprise your sweetheart by doing one of his or her chores.
o Pull the photo album off the shelf and take a trip down memory lane.
o Touch your sweetie’s cheek.
o Tell your sweetheart what you love about him or her.
o Make your good-bye kiss 10 seconds longer.
There are everyday demands on your time and energy that you just can’t avoid. Sure, on Saturday you may skip your shower and on Sunday you may skip your morning run, but we all have responsibilities and obligations that sap the vitality right out of us. Don’t make the mistake of putting your relationship last. There are 50 ways to love your lover. Right now, right his minute, think of one and then just do it!
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.
Touch is essential to intimacy. Okay, I know you think I’ve just stated the obvious but I’m not talking about that kind of intimacy. I’m talking about emotional intimacy and the hand holding, arms around the waist, bear hugging, back rubbing, cheek kissing, fist bumping, high fiving, shoulder rubbing, bottom patting, kind of touching that makes you feel warm and good inside (and can lead to that kind of intimacy). It’s a fact: humans are tactile beings. We thrive on touch. Without it we whither and, no kidding, can actually lose our minds.
A whole bunch of studies have been done on touching and some interesting stuff has been learned. Being touched . . .
o Lowers your stress level and raises your immunity.
o Speeds up the healing of wounds.
o Lowers your blood pressure and heart rate.
o Causes oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) to be released into the blood system.
o And much more.
A really smart guy named Jim Coan at the University of Virginia did a study in which married women were given electric shocks that caused mild pain. When they were touched by their husbands, there was an immediate drop in activity in the areas of the brains involving fear, danger, and threat. The women were calmer and less stressed. This gave me an idea . . .
What if, instead of folding your arms or otherwise physically withdrawing from each other when you’re angry or upset, you instead touched. Try to imagine having an argument while holding hands or hugging. It would be tough to do. I know. It goes against the human grain to hug while all bent out of shape. But, what if before you were torqued, when you feel that first itch of irritation, you quickly gave your sweetie a bear hug. Bet that irritation would evaporate. I also betcha that the more you touch each other, the less likely you are to feel that irritation in the first place.
When you’re having a tricky discussion about whether to have another (or the first) child, to invite your mother-in-law to move in with you, or to quit your job and start your own business, the conversation is bound to be easier if you’re holding hands while having it. It’s easier to say what’s on your mind when you feel supported and loved. Loving touches communicate just that.
Touching creates connection. I overslept the other morning and was awakened by hubby Dale stroking my head. It was heaven. I could have stayed there for hours with him stroking my head. The good feelings didn’t end when the stroking ended. Throughout my busy day, my mind would harken back to that head-stroking and I’d smile involuntarily smile while I relived those good feelings.
I attended a seminar somewhere and, unfortunately, I can’t remember the name of the guy who gave it or I’d give him credit for this. He said a 20-second kiss is exactly the right amount of time to create a strong emotional tie but not quite enough to send you to the bedroom. We’ve tried it, the hubby and I. And, you know what, a 20-second kiss does make you feel really, really connected. And, sometimes it can send you to the bedroom.
So, look, it seems too simple to be so effective but, trust me, touching your sweetheart has oodles of benefits so give it a try, okay?
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.