Waxing poetic on the subject of love and marriage, Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet said, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” Gibran is not suggesting that couples take an occasional breather from each other (although that might be a good idea, too). In beautiful, lyrical language Gibran reminds us not to lose ourselves in our relationship, but to maintain our individuality, and that by doing so we are stronger as a couple.
The passage includes this, ” And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart . . .” I would happily trade a valuable body part for the ability to write like Gibran but no one has offered that deal so I’m stuck with elaborating in my far less lyrical way. “Togetherness” is not about being joined at the hip. “Togetherness” is about the emotional and mental bond that connects you and, like the pillars of the temple, supports your relationship even when you are physically separated. It’s the reservoir of strength you draw on when you need to be strong. It’s the hand at your back when you need encouragement. It’s the well of confidence you tap into when your self-belief wavers.
The Gibran passage concludes with, “And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” “Togetherness” is not about being each other’s clone. It’s the freedom to be who you are without fear of losing love. It’s permission to make mistakes, change and grow. It’s willingness to learn at each other’s knee.
“Togetherness” is the cornerstone of emotional intimacy and when you experience unadulterated togetherness, it’s akin to being in a state of grace.
So, look, the next time you’re about to make some snarky comment to your sweetie, or let loose with a piece of your mind, or turn a cold shoulder, or go to that he’s-such-a-jerk or she’s-such-a-witch place, or “forget” to keep a promise, or shrug off your partner’s wishes, or, well, you get the picture, ask yourself if what you’re about to say or do will put a chink in your “togetherness.” Too many chinks and you’ll slip right into “aloneness” and that sucks. Protect and honor your “togetherness” by being thoughtful, kind, loving, generous, supportive, understanding and, well, you get the picture here, too.
From Gibran . . .
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
From me . . .
“Togetherness.” It’s way cool. Go for it.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.
Intimacy means being connected. Sexual intimacy is physical; emotional intimacy is connection of mind, heart and spirit. Great sex is a blast. If you’ve got it, count your lucky stars but it’s not enough to sustain a relationship. For that, you need emotional intimacy and it’s the death-by-a-thousand-cuts destruction of that fundamental requirement that is the downfall to many relationships. Great emotional intimacy is the most rewarding aspect of being a couple but to have it, you must pay attention to the basics:
Be 10,000% trustworthy. You will not share private thoughts or make yourself vulnerable to someone you don’t trust. If you share an embarrassing moment or dream and your sweetheart makes fun or pours cold water on that dream, you’ll think twice before opening up again. Nothing is more devastating than trusting the person you love and having that trust betrayed. Nothing is more conducive to emotional intimacy than knowing you are safe in sharing your innermost thoughts, wishes and dreams.
Don’t remodel. If your sweetheart said, “Honey, you would be a better person if you morphed into my image of perfection so here’s a list of things you should change,” you’re not likely to say, “Thanks! I’ll get on that right away.” Attempting to remodel your partner is tantamount to saying you’re better. “Superiority” and “emotional intimacy” are mutually exclusive.
Respect differences. Differences make us interesting-but they don’t make us right. I can’t imagine that anyone loves beige and finds eggplant scrumptious, but am I justified in calling a beige-loving-eggplant-eater wrong? Of course not. Talk about your differences, debate your differences, but never make your sweetheart wrong for holding an opinion or point of view that differs from yours. To do so is to say you’re smarter than your partner. “Judgmental” and “emotional intimacy” are mutually exclusive.
Be nice. You’re thinking, “Duh!” Fair enough. But it’s worth the reminder that nice goes beyond holding the door, refilling your sweetheart’s wine glass, not interrupting, and common courtesy. Being nice includes:
o Looking for ways to make your sweetheart’s day and life better.
o Looking the other way during your partner’s self-indulgently bad behavior
o Stepping up to the plate when it’s time for “the talk”
o Being supportive
o Being responsive to your partner’s wishes, needs and desires
o Showing your love in word and deed
In short, being nice means demonstrating that you cherish your sweetheart. “Inconsiderate” and “emotional intimacy” are mutually exclusive.
Know yourself. The more you know about yourself, the more you’ll be able to change what’s not working and the less likely you’ll be to project your self-perception onto your partner. Examples:
o If you bicker over every decision, big or small, perhaps it’s not because your partner is argumentative, but because you are excessively competitive and need to make a change.
o If you hear constant criticism, perhaps the problem is your self-esteem. If your sweetie says, “The rice is salty,” and you hear, “You’re a terrible cook,” it’s time to work on your self-perception instead of complaining that your sweetheart is critical.
“Blissful ignorance” and “emotional intimacy” are mutually exclusive.
Be generous and forgiving. Your sweetheart will hurt and disappoint you, sometimes thoughtlessly and sometimes only through the filter of your self-perception. The flip side is true, too. Be generous and be forgiving because you’ll need the same when you screw up. “Unforgiving” and “emotional intimacy” are mutually exclusive.
The relationship crown jewel of emotional intimacy is achieved by laser-beam focus on being, doing, and saying those things that build and sustain it. Start today to have the emotional intimacy that is the hallmark of a truly great relationship.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.
“You have more butt than you need, but you have a nice shape.” That’s the closest my hubby Dale has come to criticizing me and to be honest, his comment was merely a verbal observation of fact. I now have more butt than when the comment was made, but he’s never said another word about it. Bless him.
Coupling up bestows permission to say things (e.g., about your sweetie’s butt) that might not otherwise be appropriate. However, there’s a very thin line, over which you ought not to step, between criticism and comments such as that made by Dale. Criticism trashes emotional intimacy. Here’s why: To be justified in criticizing another person, the following must be true:
1.You are right and the other person is wrong,
2.You are superior in position or knowledge, and
3.You have the right to voice criticism and demand certain behavior.
Your sweetheart’s boss, drill sergeant, mother, coach, personal trainer, or professor may meet that criteria but, as your partner’s equal, you do not. What you are (or should be) is the one person on the planet who your partner can always, absolutely, no questions asked, no doubt about it, count on for support. If you want emotional intimacy (and who doesn’t) then never, ever cause your partner to question that support.
You already know that shouting, “You’re lazy!” is more likely to result in the cold shoulder than help around the house. “No, honey, you’re wrong,” won’t endear you to your partner. “You could lose a few pounds,” is likely to get you cut off from you-know-what for several weeks! I don’t need to remind you that overt criticism plays havoc with intimacy. What we all need to remember is that it’s those situations where we’re tempted to give “constructive criticism” that are tricky. Here’s an example:
Your sweetheart is down in the dumps because, in his annual review, the boss said he’s too independent. It may be accurate to say, “Playing well with others is not your strong point. You need to work on that.” And your intention may be loving and the criticism may arguably be constructive, but would it be helpful? Probably not. There’s a good chance your partner will interpret your comment as siding with the boss, who at that moment is public enemy #1. What does that make you?
In this example, supporting your sweetheart doesn’t mean going on a rant about how clueless the boss is. It means saying and doing those things that will help your sweetheart come to his own conclusion about how to best handle it. Until asked for your advice and your help, keep it to yourself. When asked, be careful to give suggestions that are helpful and supportive WITHOUT expressing a single critical word. It’s not up to you to point out your sweetheart’s flaws or to tell him or her how to fix those flaws. If you need to fix something, work on yourself.
To be emotionally intimate, you must be connected. Criticism severs that connection and has no place in an intimate relationship. Noel Coward said it best, “I love criticism just so long as it’s unqualified praise.”
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples in their journey to improve intimacy and strengthen marital bon
Forgiveness. It’s a topic we hear a lot about when it comes to marriage and relationships. Lord knows there’s plenty to forgive and I, for one, am grateful for a partner who has a generous and forgiving heart. But I ask you, for all the talk and hoopla about the “virtue” of forgiveness, why isn’t there more said about the conditions under which one is forgiven? You, in return, might ask, “Isn’t forgiveness supposed to be unconditional?” Well, according to idealistic gurus it is, and that would be just dandy if we were perfect human beings. We’re not.
The truth is that forgiveness is conditioned on better behavior in the future. It chaps my hide that so many people think saying, “I’m sorry” is a cure-all that entitles the transgressor to immediate and unconditional forgiveness. That may have worked in kindergarten when you grabbed another kid’s crayon and were forced to give it back with an equally forced apology, but it doesn’t work in grown-up life.
If your sweetheart lies to you once, gets busted, and you forgive, don’t you expect that in exchange for that forgiveness, your sweetie promises not to do it again? What will you do if it happens over and again? Most likely, you’ll stop forgiving, revoke all prior forgiveness, and take a hike. At the very least, your trust will be shattered.
Most failed relationships don’t end because of one major body blow; most suffer death by a thousand cuts, none of which are individually lethal but all of which cumulatively sap the life out of a once vibrant relationship. Since it’s inevitable that we will screw up, it’s a good thing that most cuts can be healed through forgiveness. But here’s a 411 for you: the wound may heal but what’s left is emotional scar tissue. It’s a fact: scar tissue is weaker and inferior to the healthy tissue it replaces. That’s true for physical wounds and equally true for emotional wounds. Every time you do something that requires your sweetheart’s forgiveness, you are weakening the relationship.
Like most things in life, the hurts and disappointments we suffer (and inflict) are relative, ranging from inadvertent to thoughtless to deliberate to downright mean. It’s easy to forgive when your sweetie inadvertently steps on yours toes, much harder to forgive when the person who’s supposed to love you deliberately stomps on your foot. Your partner may give you a get-out-of-jail-free card the first few times you screw up, but you keep doing the same thing and that inadvertent or thoughtless behavior eventually becomes deliberate. Example: If your sweetheart tells you that not calling when you promise to call is a no-no, somewhere about the tenth time you do it, your sweetheart will construe your behavior as deliberately inconsiderate and will stop forgiving you.
Little things count BIG time in every relationship. A forgotten promise to call, by itself, won’t destroy a relationship. The cumulative effect of many broken promises will. So pay attention to the little things, don’t rely on the good nature and generous heart of your sweetheart, and avoid doing those things for which you know you’ll need forgiveness. Then, when you do screw up, your sweetheart will be a lot more generous. Your sweetheart’s forgiveness is a finite resource. Use it sparing.
Shela Dean is a relationship coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Her book and advice have helped many couples in their journey to improve intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.
Two questions:
* Why do made-for-each-other love bugs butt heads, step on each others toes, and get their wires crossed?
* In a “discussion” with your sweetie, have you ever said something like, “Well, in my book [fill in the blank].”
The answer to the second question is sure you have. The answer to the first question is this:
The “book” you’re referring to is the unique and complex mix of your preferences, opinions, priorities, standards, points of view, and sensitivities, all shaped by your DNA, upbringing, education, life’s experiences, religious or philosophical training, culture, and self-perception. It’s the guide for how you navigate life and it’s the standard by which you determine if others are flying right. In the context of your relationship, I call this your Foreplay Navigator™. We all have one.
Here’s the problem: You behave (and judge your sweetheart) according to your Foreplay Navigator while your sweetheart behaves (and judges you) according to his or her Foreplay Navigator. It’s like playing a game with two different sets of rules where neither of you knows the others rules. True, the Foreplay Navigators of you and your sweetheart overlap in fundamental ways, but they also differ in a bazillion ways and it’s those differences that result in the head butts, stepped on toes, and crossed wires that often play havoc with intimacy.
If only you could push the “print” button and exchange copies of Foreplay Navigators! Since you can’t, you must:
Never assume your sweetheart sees the world as you do. There are times when your differences require negotiation (such as whether to raise the baby Jewish or Baptist), but it is futile to butt heads over who’s right and who’s wrong. And while you may be passionate about what color the bathroom should be painted, your opinion does not rise to the level of universal truth. Differences are just that. They are not matters of right and wrong.
Never assume your sweetheart sees life as you do. It’s easy to get your toes stepped on if your sweetheart doesn’t know, for example, that according to your Foreplay Navigator, a gift certificate is the ultimate I-gave-this-no-thought acknowledgement of a special occasion, or having coffee with an ex who blew into town is tantamount to cheating. When you feel the pain of stepped on toes, it’s probably nothing more than an innocent clash of Foreplay Navigators.
Never assume your sweetheart sees you the way you see yourself. When you have beliefs that diminish your self-value (and who doesn’t), it’s easy to get your wires crossed and see or hear negative messages when no such thing is intended. Your sweetheart loves you. If you don’t believe that, reconsider your relationship situation. If you do, don’t twist your sweetheart’s words and actions to fit your self-perception. When you feel hurt or disappointed, take a close look at why. Perhaps it’s a chapter in your Foreplay Navigator that needs a rewrite. For example, if your sweetheart says, “The rice is salty,” and you hear, “You’re a terrible cook,” maybe the problem is your self-esteem.
Head butts, stepped on toes, crossed wires. They are inevitable in every relationship. You can allow them to destroy intimacy. Or, you can see them as opportunities to learn more about your own and your sweetheart’s Foreplay Navigator and if you do, you will have a richer, more intimate, and more rewarding relationship. I promise.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Her book and advice have helped many couples in their journey to improve intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.
Dopamine. Adrenalin. Serotonin. When you’re falling in love, your brain produces these hormones by the gallon. This flood of hormones is why we’re “addicted” to our sweetheart, can’t think of anything else, and are blinded to his or her all-too-soon-painfully-obvious flaws. They make us want to have sex. That triggers other hormones, including the Oxytocin and Vasopressin that cause us to bond and form long-term relationships. So far, so good, right? Well, here’s the dirty trick: The hormones produced when we have sex interfere with the brain’s ability to produce the falling-in-love hormones. That’s why the lusty-can’t-get-enough-of-you, high-on-love feeling goes away.
What????? You mean we’re programmed to fall in love, have sex and bond, and our “reward” is that the blinders come off and we realize our Perfect 10 is more of a 6 or 7? ‘Fraid so. Turns out love isn’t as much an affair of the heart as it is Mother Nature’s way of ensuring that we fall in love, mate and reproduce to ensure the continuation of our species. Okay. But, since we’re hardwired to couple, wouldn’t you think Mother Nature would have been more generous in doling out relationship survival skills? Sorry. You’re on your own. That’s why when the falling-in-love stage ends, we think we got it wrong, and why so many divorces occur in the first three years of marriage.
Knowing all this may take some of the romance out of falling and being in love. But isn’t it reassuring to know that you’re not alone? And knowledge is power. Knowing that the falling-in-love stage is just that, a stage, helps you prepare for the being-in-love long haul. Here’s how:
Focus on the positive. Yep, you’re going to notice that your sweetie has faults. Guess what? Your sweetheart is noticing the same thing about you. You’re both wonderful. And you’re both flawed. Stay focused on the “wonderful.”
Remember that differences are just that, not matters of right and wrong. Being married isn’t hard work but being “right” is. You’re not always going to see eye-to-eye. That’s okay. It’s also hard work to remodel your partner, and it doesn’t work so don’t even try.
Remember that words hurt. Be careful what you say and how you say it. Words can cause mortal wounds. They can never be taken back.
Remember the power of nice. Make it a point to be kind to each other and to do things that say, “I love you.”
Remember that the little things count big time. Most marriages that fail suffer death by a thousand cuts that are not individually lethal but cumulatively sap the life out of once vibrant relationship. Little hurts will destroy a relationship as effectively as infidelity. It just takes longer. Likewise, little acts of kindness go a long way to keeping the marriage solid.
Bottom line: Every couple experiences the end of the falling-in-love high. It’s inevitable. That’s not the “real deal.” It’s Mother Nature up to her tricks. The “real deal” is the quiet but profound and enduring love that sustains you throughout the years. Work on nurturing that love and accept that the fireworks will and do end.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Her book and advice have helped many couples in their journey to improve intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.
Marriage. It’s hard work. Bologna. If my beloved had said, “You know, honey, being married to me is going to require hard work,” I would have cut and run. My idea of a great marriage is not tantamount to labor camp. Yet we hear over and again, “Marriage is hard work.” It’s not.
What’s hard work is:
Being right. Just as you can’t have left without right, up without down, cold without hot, or light without dark, you can’t be right without someone else being wrong. While there are things that, based on empirical evidence, are objectively right, your opinion is not one of them. We all have opinions about virtually everything…the prettiest color for the bathroom…the superiority of cats over dogs (or vice versa)…the best team in football…the perfect recipe for mac ‘n cheese…what music is worth listening to, and so on ad infinitum.
And while it may be difficult, if not downright impossible, to believe that anyone would love eggplant, prefer beige to taupe, and think a day at the water park is as good as it gets, your partner has opinions, too. Expressing your opinion is easy. Listening to your sweetheart’s opinion is easy if not mind-boggling. So far, no hard work. It’s when you elevate your opinion to universally right and then try to convince your sweetheart that he or she is wrong that the going gets tough.
Differences are just that. Your sweetheart is not your clone. Get over it. If you insist of making differences matters of right and wrong, you’re going to be exhausted from the hard (and futile) work of convincing your sweetheart how right you are and how wrong he or she is. Worse, you’re going to be an irritating bore. It’s not necessary to reconcile all your differences to peacefully coexist. Really, it’s okay if you’re a Democrat and your sweetie is a Republican. Where differences do have to be reconciled-yep, you do have to agree on what color to paint the bathroom-it’s just a matter of negotiation. And, come on, differences make life more interesting, don’t they? No matter how wonderful you are, would you really want to live with your mirror image?
Remodeling your partner. If your sweetheart engaged in a campaign to remodel you, how successful would that be? Are you interested in being whipped into shape by someone who “knows” more about what you should be than you do? Of course not. Well, it cuts both ways. Sure, you can nag, cajole, manipulate, and badger your partner into compliance, but talk about pushing a heavy rock up a steep hill. It just doesn’t work and the effort is both exhausting and futile.
The price tag for insisting on being “right” about your opinions, the price tag for continuous efforts to remodel your partner, is huge. Resentment is the enemy of intimacy. If you want a more intimate relationship, stop working hard on the wrong things. If you’re dead set on working hard, then work on yourself. The better person you are, the better partner you’ll be.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Her book and advice have helped many couples in their journey to improve intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.
A good marriage has the attributes of friendship. There’s someone to zip your dress, give an opinion about what tie goes with the jacket, get aspirin for your headache, or laugh at your jokes. Good stuff. But what sustains a marriage and makes it GREAT is Emotional Intimacy. That’s what makes living together on a day-to-day basis, with all its ups and downs, easy and comfortable and why it’s important for every couple to have intimacy rituals that can be practiced daily.
No, I don’t mean candles, heated massage oil, and the hot tub. Those are great-for sexual intimacy. But let’s not confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. In the falling-in-love fireworks stage of your relationship, intimacy equaled SEX! But once you settle into your nest, the stork pays a visit or two, there’s a lawn to be mowed, the cat has to go to the vet, kids need chauffeuring or help with homework, the car breaks down, the toilet backs up, one of you loses a job, gets sick, or has an argument with a friend. All of that makes you too tired to think, let alone jump each other’s bones.
When the now-less-frequent opportunity for sex presents itself, there will be times when you really do have a headache, are too irritated by your mouthy teen-ager’s attitude, have an early flight to catch, or for whatever reason you’re just not in the mood. You cannot rely on sex to provide the intimacy you need to have a great relationship. Yes, a good sex life is important, but without emotional intimacy, your marriage is likely to wither and die no matter how great the sex may be.
Intimacy rituals don’t have to be complicated or take a big chunk of time and can even be part of a daily chore or event. Here’s what Hubby Dale and I do. At the beginning of the day, Dale sits in the bathroom and chats with me while I get dressed for the office. We don’t talk about anything special, we’re just together for a few minutes before we go our separate ways. We come back together over dinner. We don’t answer the phone and the TV is off. We talk about current events or Dale’s trip to the grocery store where he ran into a friend, we chuckle over something cute a grandchild said, we plan a dinner party, or revisit a favorite memory. An eavesdropper would find it mundane, but for us, it’s a reconnection after being apart all day.
For you, an intimacy ritual might be calling each other on your lunch hour and taking 15 minutes to catch up on your day, cooking dinner together, doing an evening crossword puzzle, playing dominoes, or turning off the TV, snuggling and chatting for 20 minutes before going to sleep.
Converting an everyday event into an intimacy ritual may require nothing more than a change in how you view that activity. Finding the time may be as easy as doing together what one usually does alone. Bathing the baby, pulling weeds, grocery shopping, preparing the evening meal, washing the cars, etc., are all opportunities for the kind of togetherness that fosters emotional intimacy. You just need the right state of mind.
Give it a try and see how much closer you will be.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Her book and advice have helped many couples in their journey to improve intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.
Private jokes. Code words. Shorthand ways of communicating. It’s part of what makes a couple a couple. To hubby Dale and me, for instance, “not pregnant” means “don’t make assumptions.” Here’s how that one came about…
We were on the way to an afternoon matinee. I was driving my hot Mustang, chatting and not paying attention when Wham! I rear-ended a van. We pulled into a parking lot. I went to the driver’s side. Dale ran to the other side. He yanked the door open, then said to the large female passenger, “Oh, my God, you’re really pregnant!” She wasn’t.
My sister Jenny gave driving instructions to her husband Bill who was picking her up at a friend’s house. She told him to turn right on Main, then right on Second. She added helpfully, “If, after you turn on Main, you pass Madison, you’ve gone too far.” After Bill had driven many miles without seeing Madison, he called to learn that Jenny should have told him to turn left on Main. Now, when one or the other of them is pushing his or her luck in some way, they cue the other with, “You’ve just passed Madison.”
So, here’s what I’ve noticed. Private jokes and code words come from humor. Makes sense. Who the heck wants to be reminded of bad, nasty stuff? Maybe some people would be irritated by being given the wrong directions, but Jenny and Bill saw the humor and that’s what counts. Finding the humor is the trick. E.g., we decided to get some exercise and walk the 3 mile round trip to the grocery store. Skies were gray but Dale gave me his I’ve-been-sailing-for-years-and-know-weather assurance that the rain was many hours away. I believed him. My mistake. I was not a happy girl when we stopped at the dry cleaners to beg plastic bags to use as rain gear. Swathed in plastic, we headed out and, of course, were drenched in minutes. I was bent all out of shape and about to say something snippy about Dale’s alleged weather predicting capability when I noticed he had his face turned up and his arms spread wide so he could experience every rain drop. I had taken a “this sucks” POV. He had taken a “this is great” POV. Decision time: Stay mad or follow Dale’s lead. Easy decision. Before long, we were dancing in the rain and now, when rain threatens, one or the other of us will often say, “Better stop at the dry cleaners.” To anyone listening, that makes no sense whatever. To us, it triggers the memory of the day we danced in the rain. And that memory always makes us want to hold hands.
Bottom line: Lighten up. Have fun. See the humor. It goes a long way towards helping you create your own private jokes. And, private jokes, code words, things only you understand underscore your “coupleness” like nothing else can. Humor: it’s the language of intimacy.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Her book and advice have helped many couples in their journey to improve intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.
The exponential power of two. It’s one of the great things about being in a committed relationship. When there’s dry cleaning to pick up, groceries to buy, a dog to walk, a UPS truck that’s expected, a lawn that needs mowing, a kid with a tummy ache, windows to wash, and dinner to prepare, having someone share the load makes life a lot easier.
Ditto when you hit the rough spots. Double ditto when you face challenges. Cranky and downright unpleasant. We’ve all been there. Down in the dumps just ‘cuz, or angry over the promotion that went to the bozo instead of you, faced with a scary medical procedure, disappointed by a friend, unhappy on the job, worried about a failing parent, or at wit’s end over your mouthy teenager’s attitude. Scared, nervous, insecure. We’ve all been there, too. Times when we need to accomplish something extra, push ourselves further, and stretch beyond where we think possible. Life. It’s not always smooth sailing. How much easier it is, however, to navigate turbulent times when there’s somebody on your side who believes in you, gently nudges you forward, cheers you on, and has button-busting pride in your accomplishments.
There was a time in my life when I had a difficult decision to make, when I had to either “fish or cut bait,” and “fishing” meant committing $10,000 of hard-earned dollars. I was terrified to take that step. I was terrified not to. I was paralyzed. My husband Dale said to me, “My arm is around your shoulder, my hand is at your back, and I walk by your side. You know what you need to do. Now, my love, go do it.” I took that step, made that commitment, and it led to the publication of my first book. I have never felt more supported or more loved than I did at that moment. And, believe me, a guy like that can get away with imperfections I’ll happily overlook. Being supportive is the loving thing to do. It’s also in your best interest. You’ll rack up more points (or what Dale and I call Frequent Foreplay Miles) than you can ever use. Don’t you just love a win-win?
Is there a time in your relationship when your sweetheart made a difference in your life? If so, then remember this: When your sweetheart is cranky and irritable, or scared and insecure, or for whatever reason is less than the cheerful, high-on-life love bug you’ve come to know, you’ve got an opportunity to return the favor. Take a deep breath, avoid knee jerk (emphasis on jerk) reactions, and be a supportive partner whether the situation is monumental or nothing more than irritation at having gotten a speeding ticket. Being a supportive partner sometimes means sitting silently while your sweetheart vents. Sometimes it means encouragement to offset insecurity. Sometimes it means being brave even when you, too, are afraid. And sometimes it just means loving your partner through his or her indulgently bad behavior.
In the movie, Rocky said to Adrian, “I got gaps. You got gaps. We fill each others gaps.” The power of two. Wow.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy. Her book and advice have helped many couples in their journey towards improving intimacy and strengthening marital bonds.