See your future without him, then you may be thinking of how to get a man (in this case, your man) back.
First of all, you have to decide if you really want to get him back. When you’ve just split up, a lot of people want to stop the hurting by reconciling with their ex straight away. But sometimes the reason for the break-up makes a lot of sense and getting back together just to split up again a few weeks or months later is only prolonging the agony.
Take a good, long look at your relationship. Were you truly happy with him? Were there other problems developing besides the one that led to the break-up? Or was the reason for the break-up something that came completely out of the blue? If you’ve decided that you do want to get back together with your ex, then it’s important that you go about it the right way. A lot of women make mistakes when they try to win back their ex, so you need to know what not to do.
For instance:
1. Don’t Send Abusive Emails Or Texts
Whatever you do, don’t send abusive or crazy emails or texts to your ex. If you haven’t heard from him, you may be feeling frustrated or even angry, but abusing him won’t help your cause. If you want to know how to get a man back, then definitely don’t do this!
2. Don’t Make Angry Phone Calls
Don’t make angry phone calls either. And don’t leave any voicemails where you’re screaming like a fishwife. If the situation was reversed and your man was trying to get back together with you, would you respond if he left you angry phone messages?
3. Don’t Stalk Him
You may want to know what he’s doing and if he’s already seeing someone else, but stalking him like a crazy lady isn’t going to work. He’ll realize what you’re up to pretty quickly. If you want to get him back, then keep your dignity and don’t harass him.
** So How Do You Get A Man To Regret Breaking Up With You? **
As mentioned above, keep your dignity. That’s first and foremost.
Secondly, give him some space. He may need some time to process the break-up.
While you’re waiting things out, you can use this opportunity to reconnect with your girlfriends if you’ve neglected them during the relationship. However, if you do want to reconnect with your friends and you end up getting back together with your ex, make sure you make time for your girlfriends as well. Otherwise, they may not be your friends any longer. Real friends don’t drop their girlfriends because they’ve got a guy in their life.
This may also be a good opportunity for you to work on yourself. If you were strong and independent before you got together with your guy, are you still the same person now? If not, why not? What’s changed? Are there hobbies that you enjoyed doing before you were in this relationship that you don’t do anymore? If so, why not take up those hobbies again? Did you have goals that you wanted to achieve but didn’t have time for because your relationship took up all your time? Why not look at those goals again and see if you’re ready to achieve them now?
If you look after yourself this way, you’re building up your self-esteem as well as keeping busy during the break-up. If your guy isn’t receiving angry or abusive phone calls, texts or emails, he may realize he wants you back too. If you’re not harassing or stalking him, he may be wondering what you’re doing (or if you’re found someone new). Once he’s had some space and time to get past the immediate break-up, he may try to contact you.
This is how to get a man to regret breaking up with you. By acting classy and dignified, you won’t embarrass or humiliate yourself and you’re giving him the space he needs to think clearly. If you don’t speak about him behind his back or spy on his friends, you’ve got a much better chance of getting back together.
So if you want to get him back, remember the above tips and stay true to yourself. You may find it helpful to talk to a counselor about all the emotions you’re experiencing. This way, you won’t be as tempted to share your feelings with him through angry phone calls or emails which can seriously hamper your chances of reconciliation.
Save your relationship and Get Him Back now. A reputable Author and Licensed Counselor, see Bob Grant’s Better Business Bureau Relationship Headquarters.com profile page. Get to know Bob at Relationship Headquarters.com.
Relationships are vital to the survival and growth of individuals and nations. This has prodded relationship experts to recommend some practices that are conducive to sustaining lasting friendships. These have been time and again proven to be capable of building strong sympathies among friends.
Bonding with friends enhances relationships
‘Bonding’ is obviously the practice of creating or strengthening the sympathetic interaction among people. Sometimes, these sessions may be studiously organized. At other times they can be casual parties. Most of the time, bonding is done on the weekends. People discuss their difficulties and successes during the past week. Sometimes the sessions may be a month apart as when friends live a distance from one another.
These events are held in a private space with a comfortable and relaxing atmosphere. People come to these sessions as well to unravel all their tensions before their friends as to communicate their happy feelings. These meetings may be attended both by tears and laughter. The experience is very enlightening because people get the chance to look into the thoughts and emotions of their peers. As a result their own sensitivities are enhanced. With constant practice, the ability to deal with others is improved.
Yielding when it is called for in relationships
The willingness to come to half-way resolutions to conflicts of interest is important to make any relationship last. All parties involved in an association have to be mature enough to see the point of the other party. The capacity to empathize with those whom one associates daily is indispensable for sustaining good feeling.
Everyone should be given the chance to grow in relationships
Sometimes people base their interaction on a master-slave relationship. The dominant partner lords it over the less aggressive one. Because there is a certain extent of compatibility present, these types of interaction can last for a time. It will, however, produce no good effects for any of the participants.
For one, the aggressive partner’s attention is never called to the fact that for him to develop as a human being, he has to allow others the chance to develop also. The meek guy, on the other hand, will never find the courage to assert his rights and defend his opinions.
A relationship where no one attains to some degree of personal development will sooner or later break up. The dominant person will eventually tire of ordering someone who never shows the slightest resistance to him. And the submissive partner will also reach the limits of his patience. Both will end up looking for someone else.
The need to help others change for the better
Good relationships are not only give and take associations. There may be occasions when one partner is down, neither able to give nor to take. In such crucial moments, the willingness of the other party to extend emotional support and encouragement is vital for their relationship to continue.
Courage and patience are needed during the times that a relationship is on stony ground. The need to remind your partner when he or she is out of line will require inner strength. And then, you need your patience while he/she is striving to correct his/her defects. Patience will allow you to have high hopes for your partner.
Gerda Leon, counselor and relationship author recommends sharing a good laugh with your significant other. Check out these funny dancing videos or funny animal videos.
The concept of a long distance connection might seem contradictory; after all, it seems that people being physically apart should drive them apart, not bring them closer to each other. Interestingly enough, research and current studies have shown that people who are involved in long distance relationships are often actually closer with their companions than people who consistently see each other. It takes a bit of effort to fully grasp why this actually is, but when we understand the power of long distance relationships, the answer is clear.
In essence, long distance relationships are the involvement of two people on a deeper emotional level (friendship or love, for example) over a long distance. Long distance relationships are seen in real life as well as in stories. One famous long distance relationship is that of Abigail Adams and John Adams, a couple who wrote extensive letters to each other. While John Adams was away in Washington, the two maintained communication over a long distance, which allowed them continue their contact and emotional bond even when he was away.
The primary reason for long distance relationships being so effective at bridging emotional gaps between people is that they can be more intimate. Text and phone calls can in some cases bring people emotionally closer than actual dates might. A powerful mental bond can be created. The couple can more easily share emotions and feelings over long distance messages.
Of course, long distance relationships suffer from problems as well. For example, people may have a hard time staying faithful to each other when they do not have a physical connection as well. Human beings are simply programmed biologically to enjoy physical contact, so relationships which do not have physical contact may be at risk because of this factor.
That is not to say that long distance relationships cannot undergo the test of time and fail. John and Abigail Adams are of course one example of this. In fact, when people maintain a long distance relationship over a significant time, they may be better able to remain friends than people in close contact could. This is especially true when they simply agree to be friends, without any bonds of fidelity coming into play at all.
People also do bring long distance relationships into close relationships, as well. Sometimes people will move to be closer to each other after long times apart. In fact, social networks on the internet thrive in this way, as well as matchmaking programs which bring together people with similar interests. The internet is extremely powerful and bringing together couples who would have never known each other otherwise. Matchmaking services are specifically powerful for this reason, creating happiness between people which would not have been there without the service.
The idea of having a close connection to another person over a long distance instead of simply choosing from local people who live in one’s home town is an interesting concept, to be sure. Humans are the only animals who exist that can have connections like this because of our advanced brains and capacity for emotional involvement. We might well be more compatible with people who live across the country than with people who live right in our own locations.
Gerda Leon, counselor and relationship author recommends sharing good times in a relationship. Check out these dance videos or funny animal videos or possibly gross videos.
Follow these important steps to have a fair fight with your significant other: acknowledge your negative emotions, allow each other time to cool down and think, express your grievances constructively, take turns listening, allow the moment’s issues to sink in, apologize, come up with a solution, and learn from the problem.
Everyone goes through times when they don’t see eye to eye with their partner. Even couples who are perfectly compatible get into arguments sometimes. Some disagreements may stem from small misunderstandings while others might be of more serious and complicated matters. The best advice anybody can give regarding relationships is to make sure that fair steps are taken to ensure all parties needs are met. Nobody really wants to fight with their significant other, but here are some steps that will help you to ensure that if you have to, you fight fair:
Validate all your feelings, good and bad:
Before even starting the conversation, admit that you might have some bad feelings towards each other. Be honest with yourself if you feel angry about your partner and their conduct. Accept your feelings of anger and pain. There’s trouble ahead if you act like you’re content when you’re really not.
Allow each other to cool down and think of what to say
If you’re both feeling unhappy, it’s easy to lash out and find fault with each other. It is important not to say things in the heat of the moment, so that you don’t end up saying something hurtful out of anger. This can be difficult in an emotionally charged situation. Pause for a while and allow each other time to cool down and think of what to say if you find it difficult to express your thoughts constructively.
Constructively express your grievances
You need to be able to communicate what you’re thinking about, along with your problems. Be honest with your partner and tell him or her what you really want to say, but in a tactful and constructive way. Hurtful and sarcastic comments will only aggravate a situation. Always remember to express yourself constructively. Bringing up long-resolved issues or past mistakes that are simply irrelevant to a current problem is definitely not the way to go. Remember that the fight is meant to be a medium for you to resolve your problems and not a way to get even or hurt your partner.
You should each take your turn listening
Remember that fair fighting is when you let the other person express thought and feelings, too. Ask your partner that he or she listens to you before you start to talk and that he/she does not argue his or her point right from the start. When it is your partner’s turn, do the same. Listen carefully to what he or she has to say and do not interrupt.
Really grasp the moment as well as the issues
Allow your spouse and yourself a moment of silence and let the issues sink in after you have explained your grievances. This lets both parties focus their attention on the issue before them while, at the same time, obtain control over their emotions. Depending on how ready you are to move on to the next step, this period can last hours or a few minutes.
Apologize and come up with a solution
Who launched the argument doesn’t matter. All that matters is that both sides acknowledge where they made errors and apologize for them. Being apologetic will allow both of you to mutually solve the conflict.
Learn the lessons you need to, but don’t dwell on it
Reconciliation should not end in an apology. Both you and your partner should learn from what happened and make it a point to leave it in the past. Do not dig up the problem after it has been resolved.
In relationships, fighting is natural and normal. It assists both people with improving their relationship and growing as individuals.
Please visit the following for more detailed relationship advice: http://www.relationshipgold.com.
There is a myth out there that most beautiful women only want to date jerks. This is not true. What women want are some of the qualities that we perceive a jerk has and a nice guy doesn’t have.
In this article we will take a look at a few of these qualities.
We don’t want to be jerks. I would wager that the majority of men who want to meet women really are nice guys.
I would be so brave as to say that the majority of men who seek the services of a pick up artist do not want to learn the skills and techniques that will only allow them to meet women to use and abuse them.
I would even offer that most of the men are looking to bring quality women into their lives. This doesn’t mean that all of them are looking for girlfriends or wives – although many are – but that they are looking for companionship from women who will enrich their lives.
If you just want to meet women for unsavory reasons, then there are many other ways to do it.
The pick up artist community really exists to teach men how to be the best men they can. It teaches them skills that will make it easier for men to meet women.
So let’s take a look at what makes so-called jerks so attractive.
The first quality that guys who are considered jerks have is a bit of selfishness. If you are truly a jerk, then they have a ton of selfishness to the exclusion of compassion and concern for others. But if you are a nice guy, you still need to be a bit selfish to be attractive. You have to be always looking out for your own interests and needs otherwise you become a pushover, which is attractive to nobody.
So the first jerk quality you should emulate is taking care of yourself first to the exclusion of others. This does not being mean or cruel. It really entails setting boundaries so you are not being taken advantage of and so others know immediately have a spine and backbone.
For instance, that means having preferences and opinions and not being afraid to express them. No woman wants a pushover. And if she does, well trust me, you don’t want her.
Jerks know what they want and don’t want and don’t let other people push them around. You can adopt these traits without being a jerk. You can cultivate characteristics traditionally known as “jerk” qualities and still be a nice guy. In fact if you do so, you will outshine every so-called jerk or so-called nice guy around.
You don’t have to be a jerk to attract women. But you don’t want to be such a nice guy that you are spineless and a pushover. Either one of those are an anathema to women. You want to be the good guy who will care for her at the same time being the bad boy who will make her satisfied.
Bill has been teaching men how to text a girl for the last 5 years in NYC and is a pick up artist who can help you learn to do the same. The original article can be found here: Why Women Fall for Jerks.
Years ago, there was a TV commercial for Lipton soup. A child ran into the kitchen and asked his mom, who was standing over a steaming pot, “Is it soup yet?” That phrase became a shorthand way of asking if something is done. Few us as are the same person at 40 as we are at 20-it takes time to become soup-which is why the younger the age at marriage, the more likely a divorce. As you and your partner simmer, on your way to becoming soup, the changes that inevitably occur can cause stress to your marriage or other committed relationship until one day you may find yourself saying, “You’re not the person I married.”
Relationships, like the people who form them, are dynamic. People change as life, time and experience affects them. It’s possible to outgrow your partner or for each of you to grow in such different directions that your relationship no longer makes sense. On the other hand, your relationship can survive-even thrive-if you share in three ways.
Share experiences. Even a seemingly insignificant experience can profoundly affect you. Example: Sharon, who had just turned 30, was taking a run and passed her neighbor, an old widower, who was sitting on his porch lovingly stroking his cat. Sharon thought how wonderful it was that the old man had the cat to keep him company. As the only child of career parents, she knew loneliness and, having just experienced a “decade” birthday, vowed to manage her life to avoid a reprise of her childhood loneliness in old age. Sharon told her husband Tim about seeing the old man and his cat. Tim then shared a story about his grandmother, who died before Sharon met Tim, and who loved her Cocker Spaniel more than life itself. Tim also shared, for the first time, what a positive influence his grandmother had been on him. This led Sharon to suggest that she and Tim get involved with a pets-for-seniors program. He agreed and that’s what they did. Sharon could have filed the experience in her psyche where it would quietly (and even subconsciously) influence the decisions she made in life. But by sharing it, she is not only more conscious of how the fear of old age loneliness affects her, but she and Tim discovered a way to together create a richer life.
Share your dreams. Verbalizing a dream helps make it reality and no one is in a better position to support you than your life partner. Example: Matt, an MBA, was on an upwardly mobile track at a consulting firm. Linda was an associate attorney at a national firm. They planned an affluent life in which both reached the top of the corporate ladder. Tucked away, beneath all Matt’s ambition, was his boyhood dream of being a forest ranger but that’s not what Matt’s parents envisioned for him. To be a “good son,” Matt did what was expected, adopting his parents’ dream as his own. As Matt became increasingly unhappy in a life that didn’t truly fit him, his relationship with Linda suffered. During a counseling session, the therapist asked Matt how the reality of his life differed from what he had envisioned. Matt thought he was joking when he said, “As a kid I wanted to be a forest ranger.” But when the words were said, the reality hit him. As Matt became soup, he changed from who Linda (and he himself) thought he was-a man who wanted to climb the corporate ladder-to a man who wanted an outdoor life. With his dream now in the open, Linda and Matt could reshape their goals so Matt could use his MBA knowledge to create a business giving hiking and whitewater rafting tours.
Share your feelings. Doing so helps you crystallize your own thoughts and allows you to learn from each other. Example: Ben and Sarah, expecting their first child, had friends who had just adopted a baby boy. It was an open adoption where the birth mother was permitted contact with the adoptive family and the baby. Ben said to Sarah, “I don’t think the birth mother should be allowed to see the baby. After all, she gave it up for adoption.” Sarah, who had never thought about it before, did so then. After a few moments of reflection, she replied, “Ben, the mother gave up the right to raise the baby, but not the right to love the baby.” Ben thought for a moment and said, “You’re right. I hadn’t thought of it that way.” A conversation about what it means to be a parent ensued. They discovered they had differing points of view on spanking and several fundamental issues, and agreed to do some research, get some counseling, and resolve their difference before the baby was born. Each became a better parent as a result.
It all boils down to this: talk to each other. If you don’t communicate and share as you each become soup, you’re much more likely to grow apart than to grow closer. You will change. Your relationship will change as a result. It’s inevitable. By openly sharing your experiences, your dreams, and your feelings you greatly improve the odds of your relationship not only surviving but thriving.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.
Break up of a romantic relationship can be an incredibly difficult thing to deal with. The pain is so overwhelming that the emotions – depression, sadness, loneliness and often self-pity – threaten to overwhelm all the parts of your life, affecting not only your general wellbeing, but your studies or work performance as well. No wonder they are called heartbreaks! Break ups often leave you thinking only about your ex-lover, unable to focus and indifferent to almost anything else. Sometimes, a little time is all that is needed to get over a broken relationship; a few weeks go by, your wounds heal and you are ready to fall in love all over again. But what if you and your ex-partner are meant to be together? What if you can’t picture yourself with anyone else? Then you will do your best to get your ex-lover back. If this sounds familiar and you are in a similar situation then read on as I am about to offer you some proven tips and how to get your ex back and renew your relationship.
It is normal for lovers to have quarrels and disagreements, it is natural when two unique individuals grow together and adjust to each other’s personalities, habits, idiosyncrasies and lifestyles. But it is also very important to learn humility, forgiveness and compromise. No relationship can survive without these virtues; unless you learn and implement them, a painful breakup is almost inevitable.
If you are looking for a way to get your ex back, the first thing need to do is understand your own errors. Second, offer your former lover a heartfelt apology for things that have gone wrong, even if it was not entirely your fault (after all, your intention is to mend a relationship, not to bicker about who was right and who was wrong!). Apologize and offer to remain friends. Then leave him alone to give him his space. If you happen to run into each other in public, just greet him as an old friend.
When you are on a mission to win your ex back, the most important thing for you to do is to…move on with your life and let him do the same! Do not chase after him, pressure him, guilt trip him or try to re-establish control. And for heaven’s sakes, do not beg him to take you back! If these behaviors created a problem while you were together, they will only make things worse now that you are split up. You ex needs his freedom, his time and his space to do what he likes to do and to think things through.
You need to do the same. Focus on your own life, work, studies, hobbies and friends. Spend time doing what you love to do – go out to movies, go on a camping trip, reunite with old friends, visit distant family members. The moment your ex sees that you are not chasing after him, but are instead fully capable of living your own life without him, he will begin to desire you again. And when that happens, he will inevitably try to court you again, and you will have won your ex back.
Olya I. is a Toronto based freelance writer. For more dating tips, relanionship advice and make-up guidelines, check out my website on relationship do’s and don’ts.
Peter had been working with me on the phone for a number of months. He had sought my help because of problems in his relationship with his wife, Anika.
Peter grew up with an extremely empty, invasive, controlling mother and an extremely empty emotionally withdrawn father. His mother constantly pulled on Peter to fill her up with his praise and attention.
Peter learned very early to close his heart, just as his father had done, in order to not be invaded and smothered by his mother. Now, he was struggling to open his heart, which he realized he needed to do to begin healing the troubled relationship with Anika. She was threatening to leave the relationship with their 3 young children. Having given herself up to Peter for the last 12 years, she was no longer willing to continue losing herself, nor was she willing to continue to feel so lonely with Peter.
“Peter,” I said to him, “until it is more important to you to love yourself and Anika, instead of consistently protecting against pain with your controlling and resistance behavior, nothing is going to change.”
“It is important to me.”
“Yes, I understand that it is important to you, but not more important than protecting against your fears of rejection and engulfment with your closed heart and other controlling behavior.”
Peter had learned to stay in his head rather than being present in his body. He was rarely present in the moment. In addition, he had learned to use his anger and blame to avoid responsibility for his own feelings.
“I want to love but I can’t seem to give up trying to control.”
“What are you so afraid of in giving up controlling?”
“I’m going to be hurt and taken advantage of.”
Peter’s role model of not being controlled was his father, who had taught him to shut down. Peter believed that if he didn’t try to have control and resist being controlled, he would be weak. While he liked his father, he saw him as a very weak man. Not wanting to appear weak like his father, yet knowing no other way of not being controlled, he nevertheless unconsciously adopted some of this father’s protections against being controlled, as many of us do. He learned to shut down or get angry to feel safe. To him, these were signs of strength, while being open-hearted felt too vulnerable.
What Peter had a hard time grasping is that when we open our heart to loving, the first person we need to learn to love is ourselves. As we practice Inner Bonding® and learn to connect with a source of spiritual Guidance which helps us learn to love ourselves, we become far more empowered to take loving care of ourselves, which includes being able to keep our hearts open while not allowing ourselves to be invaded and manipulated.
As Peter practiced connecting with his spiritual Guidance and taking responsibility for his own feelings, he slowly healed his fears of rejection and engulfment, which led to opening his heart. He learned to tune into his own feelings and take loving action for himself rather than get angry, blaming, closed and withdrawn.
The more he learned to be loving to himself, the more Anika felt his loving presence and her loneliness gradually diminished.
Peter no longer feared being rejected or taken advantage of because he had learned to not take other’s behavior personally and to stand up for himself in the face of others controlling behavior. He was even able to keep his heart open around his mother!
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process, featured on Oprah. Ready to join the thousands who have discovered real love and intimacy? Click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available.
Remember when you and your sweetheart first met? You counted the minutes until you saw him again. You called just to hear her sweet voice. The air was alive with the snap, crackle & pop of sexual energy. You couldn’t get enough of each other and you were always on your best behavior. It was easy to be playful.
Then, you settled into a routine and began to share everyday life. Being on best behavior is like holding in your stomach. You can’t do it forever. Eventually, the real you, foibles and all, made an appearance. It wasn’t and isn’t always pretty. Playfulness takes a back seat when he has to duck and take cover during your PMS tirade…or she has to put up with your road rage…or she promises but forgets to pick up your good suit from the cleaners and you have the most important meeting of your life the next morning…or he helps himself to a piece of the cake you made for a coworker’s birthday party…or when any one of the bazillion annoying things that can happen does.
What’s more, the mind-numbing fatigue that comes with everyday life has a way of squelching playfulness. When you were jacked up on new love hormones, you could shrug off the week from hell, strap on your dancing shoes, and let the good times roll. Now, when what used to be date night arrives, you too often find yourselves on the couch in your sweats, sharing delivery pizza and watching a Netflix DVD. Instead of lounging in bed after Saturday morning sex, you get a head start on weekend errands. It’s easy to slip into the rut you said you’d never fall into.
When playfulness disappears it leaves room for negative emotions such as crankiness, irritability and ill humor. That sucks. Playfulness inspires laughter. Laughter reduces stress and triggers feel-good hormones like endorphins. That does not suck. So, here are three ways to bring playfulness back and keep it alive:
Think like a child: Children find joy in play, often in the simplest things: a squirt gun, a Frisbee, a yo-yo, blowing bubbles, sidewalk chalk, a game of Twister, pillow fights, hide ‘n seek, a wading pool. Take a hint! It’s okay to act like children, even be silly, especially when to do so results is a good laugh or a fit of giggles. The cool thing about being playful adults (as opposed to playful children) is that it’s also okay if play takes you straight to the bedroom or, when you pull the cards out, you play strip poker instead of Go Fish.
Put fun on your schedule: Pick an activity (or two…or three) that will be fun for both of you and put it on your calendar as a regular, recurring event. Sign up for dance or cooking lessons, or join a bowling league or a co-ed softball team. It doesn’t matter so long as you both find it fun. Surprise your sweetie by scheduling a one-night stand and discover (or rediscover) the joys of hotel sex. Have a black-tie dinner for two and wear nothing but black ties. Use your imagination.
Flirt shamelessly with each other. Flirting is fun, sensual and titillating. Whisper in each other’s ear. Wink across a crowded room. Send suggestive text messages. Tuck her hair behind her ear. Adjust his tie. Dance provocatively. Whatever it was that worked in your dating days, just do it again. And, since you’ve past those early relationship days, you’re free to take it to a new level of sensuality and titillation! Toss caution to the wind and just go for it.
Playfulness. We can all use more of that.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.
Gift giving can be treacherous ground but you’ll have far greater success if, before you whip out your credit card, you ask yourself these questions:
Does your sweetheart prefer things or experiences? I could surprise my sweetheart with a Porsche and he’d say, “Why? I already have a car.” Never mind that his car is old and boring-it runs and that’s enough for him. He would, however, be ecstatic with tickets for an African safari. My guy isn’t about stuff. But he’ll jump at the chance to take in the opera, sky dive, white water raft, see a mountain for the first time, experience a new restaurant, climb a glacier, or float in a hot air balloon. Some people prefer things they can touch and see long after the gift was received; others prefer memories.
Is your sweetheart sentimental (and romantic) or practical (and not so romantic)? I have a girlfriend who thinks flowers are a waste of money and is tickled pink with a new toaster oven. My uncle thinks the latest and greatest screwdriver is the coolest gift ever. Others would be crushed to receive a toaster oven or a screwdriver no matter how needed or state-of-the art it may be.
What are your sweetheart’s special interests? My friend Larry loves everything trains. I love photography. My sweetheart is a classical musician and history buff. My daughter is a volleyball fanatic. I have a friend who has knitting needles in her hands 90% of her waking hours; her husband is into extreme sports. Just about everybody has something they’re especially interested in or enjoy doing.
What’s the occasion? Is it an “us” occasion such as an anniversary? Just because? A red letter day for your sweetheart? Regardless, every gift should be relevant and proportionate to the occasion (but always within your budget). Here are some examples:
o It’s your girlfriend’s birthday. She prefers experiences. She’s sentimental. Plan an experience that will have sentimental value that, if possible, incorporates her interests: a trip to her hometown to see family she’s missing and have a family portrait made…tickets to the opera, and a corsage she can press and save…dinner with friends where she can show off the birthstone ring you slip on her finger as you’re walking out the door. If it’s a decade birthday, step it up and go the extra mile to make it an event that she will remember and cherish forever.
o Your husband hit a career milestone. He prefers things, is practical, and enjoys modern art. Memorialize the event in a tangible way: have a congratulatory ad published in the local newspaper and have it framed…select a piece of art for his office and attach a congratulatory note on the back…buy him a new suit and take him to the newest exhibit at the local art museum. If it’s a really BIG milestone, make it the Musee d’Orsay in Paris!
o It’s the anniversary of your wedding, first date, or other special day. The best “us” gift is something you will both enjoy doing and/or having. If you have different preferences, you’ll need to be a little more creative. For example, you might select a martini shaker, glasses and a book of martini recipes. There’s something tangible for the “thing” person and for the “experience” person there’s the fun of working your way from Apple Martini to Wasabi Martini or, perhaps, a martini party with good friends. Again, if this is a significant anniversary, step it up and make it truly memorable.
o You feel like doing something special for your sweetie. By now you’ve got the drill down. All I’ll say about “just because” gifts is that small is often the best, just a simple reminder that you’re thinking about the one you love.
Bottom line: the perfect gift shows you gave it more than passing thought because it reflects who and what your sweetie is all about.
Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve emotional intimacy.